FEEDBACK is life-giving and life defining

By Gary J. Butler, Ph.D.  

Feedback comes to us from inside and outside. It takes on many forms and helps guide us through various stages of our life from infancy, to well into our twilight years. It is through these bits of information that we learn who we are, who is safe, what our purpose is and where we want to head.

The kinds of information vary. The feedback could be wrapped in a pleasant tone of voice, a gentle touch, a disapproving look, an encouraging comment or a firm physical touch. It could be in the form of a gentle touch or a trophy handed to us by an esteemed leader at a ceremony accompanied by applause.

Those generated from within could be the value judgements we make about our abilities from within or from others. The feedback from inside helps explain how we think about life, our abilities and our future. These could be referred to as the hooks on which we hang the information coming in about our being. This process could be likened to a director screening of actors for parts in a movie or a play. The question would be, “Where does this information fit? Does it go along with what I think, know and believe or is it conflicting information to be discarded?”

This life-long process could be likened to looking into a mirror. As you look and consider what you see and think about yourself as compared to what others think and see, you ask what fits, what does not.

Since I was a survivor and have worked a lot with childhood trauma survivors, many serious distortions occur when a child is abused. Thoughts like, “what is wrong with me,” “ who can I trust”, “my family is not safe” and the many adaptations trauma survivors make creating a false self to do just that – survive. Frequently, it is a life-long journey of undoing the impact.

I offer a challenge. Ask someone you trust to give you honest feedback to these questions:

    Who do you think I am?

    How do you experience me?

   What are my strengths?

   What are my weaknesses?

   What do you see that I do not?

Just listen. Note what you experienced in this exercise. Consider what you agree with and what you do not. Do not throw anything away yet. Write down what you learned and look at it periodically. Over time, decide what fits and what does not.