LISTENING: An Endangered Skill

The other day, I went to enjoy a meal at a favorite restaurant. A couple came in and sat down. As soon as they were situated, they brought out their devices and soon were interacting with those. I did not detect any interchanges between them until they got up to leave.

Having sat in front of people seeking consultation from me on a variety of issues, frequently I have just been a faithful listener. These solution-seekers have ranged from pre-teens to senior citizens. The issues in need of a solution have included struggles in relationships, career guidance, discovering what is one’s purpose in life, is there a God, separating from parents, concerns about others’ life styles and a whole host of questions that people have as they move through life’s journey.

I have had literally hundreds, if not thousands of hours, reflecting back what I have heard. At times, I would repeat word for word what the person said. Here is how my commitment to this method started. When I was serving my practicum in counseling during my graduate studies, I was fascinated by an article about a method referred to as the “Reflective I Method”. The technique was to listen to what the client was saying. The counselor repeats the words back either word for word or with similar words. The response is to begin with the word, “I” followed by the thoughts expressed by the client.

I was assigned to a middle school at that time. Let us say that Susie was seeking counsel about a struggle with a girl friend who had been rude to Susie recently. They had been really close for several years, but now it seems her friend has decided to befriend another girl at Susie’s expense. So, the interchange might have gone something like this:

Susie, “I am so hurt by Linda who used to be my closest friend or, so I thought. Now she only talks to Linda and gives me these dirty looks. I am so hurt and do not know what to do.”

Counselor, “I am hurt and do not know what to do. My best friend, or so I thought, only talks with Linda and gives me dirty looks.”

Susie, “Yes, that is exactly right. What makes it worse is that we have shared some very private secrets and now It’s like I am her enemy. What have I done that is so bad?”

Counselor, “I have no idea what I have done. And to think that we had shared some very private secrets.”

Susie, “You are right on. I am totally puzzled about this.”

Counselor, “I have no idea what to do. I am totally puzzled.”

Susie, “You are so right. It makes my head hurt and tears come when I think about it. We were so close.”

Counselor, “My head hurts and tears come when I think about how close we were.”

You get the idea of the process of listening then responding back with an “I-message” format’ using the client’s words or close approximations. Let me fast-forward through the process. Eventually, the client will begin talking about what to do. In this case, she will realize that staying stuck is not productive. If no change occurs from the friend and the friend continues to reject her, the process of letting go will begin to occur. Eventually, with the patience from the counselor, the client will begin to identify solutions. As with Susie, it might be to reach out to another girl friend. It might even happen that someone in her network notices the division and steps in to comfort her if nothing else. Once another friend is established, then the need to reach out to a counselor will end as far as the initial issue is concerned.

I used this reflective method faithfully for a semester at that junior high. At the end, my supervisor was compiling the survey reports from the students I had seen.He said that he had never seen such high marks. Statements like, “He was great”, “He had wonderful suggestions” and comments like this were typical on their survey sheets. Remember, all I was doing as consistently as I could, was to reflect back what I heard. I never told the supervisor what I had been doing. To this day, I am not sure why I kept that to myself. Now I mention it to my audiences or training groups when leading an exercise in the skill of accurate listening.

Here is a thought more to the point. Over the years I have utilized the same method when I deemed it appropriate. Unless people are severely on drugs, having psychotic breaks or for some reason are totally in a state of confusion and into their own worlds, I have observed the same process occur. People define their problem, in time begin to identify what they need to do and they tend to set about carrying out their solutions. The inspiration, the ideas, solutions and motivation all come from within them. When I have conducted workshops demonstrating the use of this method, the same sequence happens. It comes from the power of being in the presence of a person willing to provide a reflection back. It is akin to looking into a mirror. Only in this case, the mirror is a live human being, demonstrating what happens when the counselor or the helper cares enough to allow the other to come to his/her own solutions and then takes responsibility to carry them out.

Knowing the power of this method, I have selected people over years that I would like to be my listener. Without fail, the same thing has happened repeatedly. After a couple interchanges into the process, the one I asked to join me begins to look away. They tend to go into their own thoughts and their own worlds. These are people to whom I have explained what I need them to do. I have a handout, “Just listen to Me.” This is a tool to explain what is needed in an effective listener. Bottom line truth is this skill is in danger of being lost if we ever had it.

My question to this reader is this: Are we so into our own worlds that we have lost the ability to listen, let alone to appreciate what a gift it is to let another person know he/she has been heard. Maybe, people in general have not seen or thought about the power in building another up as you assist others to find their own solutions. I need someone to listen to me so I can have the benefit of finding a solution. Have I asked the wrong person or is this skill so rare that we as a people are totally removed from the awareness of the benefits? Is another piece of the puzzle that we as a people are so busy that there is no room for others? The rising suicide rate across many categories of ages and settings is an indication of this lack. And the equally bothersome increase in the rate of gun violence is another clue that no one listens or cares. I acknowledge that I have had the extraordinary privilege of being a part of this reflective healing process many, many times. My heart wants to bring more into this circle of awareness of the benefits for themselves and for others.

The one talking will respond to your feedback of what they said, make corrections and move along the problem-solving path. The key caution for the listener is to resist the temptation to jump in prematurely when it becomes obvious what a viable solution may be. This skill whenever I have taught it, we quickly expose the "controllers." This is the person who wants to take over and gets impatient. Being patient for them is like the most impossible request ever.

I close with this. Maybe you have seen the ad for the national suicide hot line. Sully, the pilot that landed his plane in the Hudson River, makes the point that in that emergency situation, he knew exactly what to do. But when his dad was fighting depression and eventually killed himself, he did not have a clue what to do. The hot line will have people trained to listen and be completely respectful of the delicate nature of the situation. Could being in the presence of a non-judgmental listener have helped. I believe so, in that setting, as well as many other situations.

I further believe that the skill of listening in this way is like the CPR training to save a life if one stops breathing.  CPR may not always bring a person back, but we people of conscious know we have to try. The same is true for the art or skill of listening in the way I am suggesting.  Just to put other things aside and to be willing to be there for another with a burden relays an instant message of hope and a blessing to that person. I am not blaming anybody for expecting this process to be the private domain of the therapist, the doctor, the priest, the clinical social worker, counselor or chaplain. My position is like the CPR training, this needs to be something we all learn to do. How many adults, seniors, military members or teens, could be helped, maybe saved, from overdoses or suicide because someone cares enough to sit with another just to listen and let them know "I hear you." I plan to keep stirring the bushes, so to speak. and stand for getting others involved. A life may be depending on dismantling a plan for shooting kids at a school.

In this fast-paced world, just making the time available to listen, will bless another and validate his/her worth. Sometimes that is all another needs.